Beetlebottom #2 Always Right Rose and Paula Pissypants vs Sheriff Fussfutter

Always Right Rose and her sister Paula Pissypants were full members of the lifetime in Beetlebottom club.

Always Right Rose was getting up on “ that” age. Married twice, divorced twice. She was kinda engaged to an out of town man for a spell. Carl, was his name. Good enough, well intentioned guy I suppose. Carl tried to end the relationship for whatever reason about five years ago. Apparently that didn't go over well with Always Right Rose.

Carl has never been seen …anywhere since that Saturday afternoon.

The Beetlebottom gossip generated down at the HazBean Cafe, murmured about a wood splitting axe and a midnight dropoff at the backside of the town dump.

Others suggested that Carl just saw the writing on the proverbial wall, and drove out of town for distant points unknown.

Lili Swivelhips, owner operator of the HazBean Cafe was fairly quiet about the whole Carl mystery, mostly because she slept with him twice. 

Well, truthfully, nobody slept, and one of the times was a rolling and thrashing in the back of Carl's Buick leSabre.

Always Right Rose at this point was completely unaware of this drama, but knew that Carl was a huge fan of morning coffee at the HazBean Cafe.

Rose would tell anyone that would listen that Carl was called away on important business with his important job, at a far away exotic city. She said Carl was killed in a head on crash with a drunk driver in a semi truck. The ensuing fire torched the whole scene into a twisted smoking twisted steel wreckage, the likes of which had never been seen before. So said Always Right Rose…to the complete disbelief of anyone she told.

It wasn't safe to challenge Rose's story. Not safe at all.

A furious, red faced, spittle enhanced tirade would make any challengers wish they had never got out of bed that day.

Always Right Rose would dominate with a vengeance until everyone just found it safer to agree with her on whatever topic she chose to be the expert on.

Rose's slightly younger sister, Paula Pissypants was married once. Her husband, Frank, at first seemed to be quite a catch…always rolling in money and driving fancy cars.

Turns out, Frank was a break and enter thief, and a pretty good cheque forger.

 By the time the out of town cops came to take Frank away, he left Paula with two screaming misfit kids, a broken down house that he fraudulently remortgaged for two and a half times its value and a sick old black dog that he owed money on to the local veterinarian.

Paula Pissypants now lives in the basement suite of her sister's house, which elder Rose inherited from the parents.

Paula Pissypants entertained herself, selfishly and without guilt by having sex with Rose's husbands ( one at a time, and years apart…just for clarity)...while Rose was working as a janitor at the Beetlebottom town hall with attached laundromat and pool hall.

But, none of that has anything to do with what's happening today.

Always Right Rose was shopping ( in more ways than one) at the Beetlebottom Quikie Food Mart for a few essentials.

Her sister, Paula was two aisles over in the flavored popcorn and party mix section of the store.

Rose has seen Sheriff Fussfutter’s car in the parking lot, and thought…gee whiz, what a good chance for chitchat with fully employed man of the male type.

Always Right Rose and Hoodsdigger had very brief fling just after graduation. Well really brief might not be the word.

I mean…well..if a romantic interaction lasts two minutes and forty seconds, after finishing a bottle of sparkly red wine… Then rubbing up against each other briefly until Hoodsdigger got satisfaction…just out in the shadow side of his dad's barn one Friday night ….then yes, Always Right Rose and Hoodsdigger Fussfutter had a brief romance of some sort.

Maybe because Rose was bored and needed new fuel for gossip she thought Hoodsdigger was a good idea again, decades later.

Hoodsdigger was in the meat section asking the butcher for the best steak that didn't cost too much.

Rose set her sights. Ever so casually, always scanning the shelves, left and right…never really focused directly on her prey. Ever so slowly, like a wide hipped, summer dress and sandal wearing jaguar on the hunt.

So close, Hoodsdigger just getting his brown paper wrapped steak handed over.

10 feet, eight feet.

He hadn't noticed the approach yet.

Paula Pissypants came barreling out of aisle 7 in her flip flops and spandex, all jiggly joggly with hips and breasts moving in different circular paths.

Rose, Rose…look…look at this, I found four bags of double salt and butter popcorn that are past their due date! Do you think they'll just give em to me…just to get rid of them? Do ya?

Hoodsdigger turned part way around to see what the commotion was about.

“Jesus on a stick”, he muttered. Even someone as thick and stupid as him knew trouble when it comes in a two pack like Rose and Paula.

Sheriff Fussfutter froze for just a microsecond, eyes showing the beginning signs of terror, mouth open, but nothing comes out. He holds a lifeless chunk of cow meat wrapped in brown paper.

Rose, gains the advantage…” Hoods!, hey there, looking good! Gonna have some barbeque tonight? Gonna be a nice night for cooking outside…you…ah …gonna be by yourself tonight?” Always Right Rose’s eyes flashed, she repositioned herself to push her breasts against her summer dress.

Now, people, the common expression is “ deer in the headlights”...but you know most deer will freeze momentarily…figure things out and then bolt with the speed of of steel spring. You are left wondering if they were ever really there in the first place.

Then, there are creatures like grouse, turkeys and koalas…slow thinking, no thinking, slow response to threats, too dumb to run.

Sheriff Fussfutter was deep in this in this list of dumb animals.

He could have bid “Good day” and walked away. He could have said, “ I have plans, but it's so nice to see you and your sister again, have a great day. In desperation, he could have faked a stroke and collapsed on the floor, Always Right Rose and Paula Pissypants would have got bored and left sooner or later.

But no.

Hoodsdigger froze.

Rose moved in for the kill.

“How about I bring over a couple baking potatoes and some garlic bread, I'll rustle us up a fine meal on your back deck.”

From behind Rose, her sister Paula, whose brain was filled with gas bubbles, tv talent shows and laundry soap commercials, interjected ( note to reader) Paula Pissypants was too dumb to know that what she was doing was “interjecting”. Paula had never heard that word before. If asked, she might tell you that you got interjected when you went to the doctor…or ..her old boyfriend had a pickup truck that had an interjected motor.

End of note to reader. Thank you for your time.

Paula…enthusiastically piped up from 10 feet back. “ I'll bring these bags of popcorn! I'll probably get em for free”. Paula's big round face was wide open and beaming forth as much as a 40 watt frosted bulb can beam.

Always Right Rose, flung herself around 180 degrees with alarming speed…her look was like this….sharp knives, clubs, a chunk of 2x4 wood, a large gun, the front bumper of a speeding car, boiling oil, and a Mike Tyson punch to the side of the head.

Paula was still grinning widely, with four bags of popcorn held out in front of her when Rose fired her shot, completely forgetting where she was. “ The fuck you will, girl. You'll be at home with that godamned popcorn and a tv dinner. You hear me!?”

Withering. Forceful. Unmistakable 

That new information slowly filtered into Paula's ears and then brainpan, kinda like black road tar oozing on a hot summer day.

Always Right Rose, switched off her laser beams and sharp dagger look as she swiveled back around to face Hoodsdigger.

To her shock and dismay, sheriff Hoodsdigger was was on the run, making a b line for the door , having left his cheap steak on the butcher’s counter.

Although moving at at quite a clip, he also kinda looked like he was trying to hold in a bad case of diarrhea.

Beetlebottom #3

http://adventuresinmikeslife.blogspot.com/2025/01/beetlebottom-3-lanky-pete-slim-jim-and.html