Beetlebottom #13

No Bang, No Glory

Inside the bootlegger's house, the morning rain crashed down on the rusty tin roof.

The old man was in his usual chair, facing the front, reading a two day old newspaper.

Mama was in the kitchen doing breakfast dishes.

Her other task was to make sure the Old Man always had of full cup of coffee mixed 50/50 with cheap rot gut booze.

Both of them had awful hangovers from last night's party with David Lee Royce.

As Mama washed a crusty plate, and the Old Man pretended he was reading the business news… they both dreamed of a new life …one full of wealth and power.

David Lee Royce had brought the promise of all this with his proposed business arrangement.

Mama conjured up thoughts of new clothes, some paint for out on the porch, and a hired hand to help around the house.

Mama liked to buildup the daydream of shopping in downtown Beetlebottom.

With her new cash income and cachet, people would stop and take notice. 

The butcher would just offer the best cuts of pork chops, without even asking.

 The attendant at the gasoline station would make doubly sure that her car windows were squeaky clean. And that boy would never ask for a tip, or take one, so as to stay in good graces with Mama.

These thoughts and dreams filled up all the spaces and caverns of Mama's big round head.

The Old Man sat in that stained old chair with his bad leg up on a stool.

His old injury always ached more when it rained or got cold.

His big fat head felt like he had a summer melon growing inside, trying to push its way out.

All that cheap hooch from last night was leaking back out through his sweat and sour breathe.

Mixed with an ass cheeks flapping fart every five minutes, the atmosphere in the front room was one of rot and decay.

In his dreams of newly earned power and glory, the Old Man could see the Sheriff calling him “Sir.”

He would invest a few bucks into part ownership of the HazBean Cafe. 

Lilli would pay back the generous cash infusion with eager sexual romps when the Old Man graced downtown Beetlebottom with a visit.

People on street would stop and comment. “ That's him, the Old Man himself, he's here in town”

“ You know what, he said hello to me when he walked by”

“ The hell you say”

“Nope, true story, he looked right at me, and said hello”

“ Damn, he's the most powerful and rich man in these parts, why would he say hello to you?”

 The clerk at the store would know before he asked, what kind of cigarettes to pull out when he saw the Old Man rolling in.

“Yessir yessir, tailor-made cigarettes from now on!” The Old Man mused.

Mama and the Old Man had just naturally assumed that their guests and Porch Man were in town for breakfast, and they'd be back at any moment.

They had no clue, no hint that Porch Man was laying way out in the middle of the orchard field. 

Porch Man had a hole in the front of his head , and and even bigger crater out the back where the bullet had escaped.

His colour was a mix of blue and gray. Porch Man's body was now as cold as the ground he lay on.

The savior of Mama and the Old Man, David Lee Royce was dead as a door nail at the bottom of the quarry pit.

 His body was newly broken in several different ways after getting launched out of the crashing new muscle car.

A few feet away was horribly mangled carcass of the idiot Billy Brown.

Ashes to ashes, and shit is always shit, no matter what.

The bootlegger's were completely unaware that the exotic looking Destiny had fled to parts unknown.

The Old Man wasn't going to mention that last night… during the drinking and bullshitting, that he had cornered the perfumed and lacquered Destiny.

They met in the hallway to the bathroom.

The Old Man all liquored up, pushed up against Destiny and placed a fat, swollen hand on her ass.

Destiny stared right into his fat face.

For a moment, the Old Man thought he had it made, things were going his way.

Right up until, he felt the barrel of Destiny's 357 pistol hand cannon press against his ear.

When Destiny pulled the pistol hammer back with her thumb, the heavy mechanical click filled his entire world.

“ Just…Don't” ...was all Destiny had to say.

The Old Man had horrendous sewer breath and acrid, sour body odor.

The Old Man, in a thick fog of cheap booze and vile nature, knew enough to let this wild one be…for now.

They silently went their ways.

 Destiny went outside for some badly needed fresh air, and the Old Man into the filthy bathroom.

In the middle of the Old Man's recollections of last night, he heard the dog outside.

The old brown dog didn't bark, instead he came out with a simple, low “Woof.”

“Ah, finally, they're back, perfect!”

Then it occurred to the Old Man that he hadn't heard the car pull up.

Then he assessed that maybe he didn't hear the rumbling car over the racket the rain made on the steel roof.

Heavy boots came up wood steps…then across the porch.

The Old Man could feel the future glory reaching out to finally acknowledge him.

The door opened and there stood the mechanic, soaking wet, rainwater dripping on the floor, holding a shotgun.

The mechanic raised the barrel to point directly at the Old Man laying back in his chair. 

All of the Old Man's remembering and conjuring fell away.

The two men locked eyes.

The mechanic spoke first.

“ You're fixing to bring trouble to these parts aren't ya?”

“You just didn't learn a godamned thing last time, did you”

“ Anybody else here with you?...where's that miserable bitch of a wife of yours, and that dipshit kid of hers?”

The Old Man composed himself quickly after the initial shock of seeing his brother walk through the door.

The Old Man, smiled a greasy smile and said, “ You know what, I got some people here that'll make a godamned mess outa you without blinking. I don't think you quite know what you walked into.

 You best be taking that peeshooter and be on your way if you know what's good for ya.”

The mechanic took a step closer. “ “People ?...I don't see no people, I just see you, you miserable old fuck.”

The Old Man had a gloating look on his face, despite the threat of the shotgun removing his entire face and head.

He spoke with confidence when he announced to the mechanic, “ I'm doing business with real well connected guy from outa town. He's a serious kind of man. If he comes back and catches you here, nobody will ever find your sad, dead body. I guarantee you that much”

“ Things are gonna change round here, and there's not a bloody thing you can do about it “

Right then, Mama came round the corner from the kitchen. She had heard voices in the front room.

Wiping her hands on her apron, without looking up, she asked, “ How was all your breakfast?”

Then she did look up.

“ Holy shit, what's going on?...what's he doing here?

Then Mama clicked in that she was looking at the mechanic from down the road a ways.

It became obvious what was going on. Same shit, different day.

“ You owe this man money don't you?...you lazy old fool, you owe everyone in this town. I can't hardly show my face anymore, cuz you owe every Tom, Dick and Harry.”

“ I'll go get my purse”

“ How about you don't” the mechanic said as he swung the Remington around her way.

” How about you just pull up a chair and sit down , real nice and easy “

Jesus, what's all this about, what have you done now to piss this guy off so bad.

“ Mama, this guy…this misguided fool …is my brother. It would appear he's got a bone to pick. 

But he don't know he picked the wrong day to get all heroic and such.”

“ When David Lee gets back, it'll be an express trip straight to hell for this asshole “

“ Brother, what do you mean brother?...you said you didn't have any family. You said they was all dead and gone. Who the Sam fucking hell is this, and what's he doing dripping all over my floor?” 

Mama was getting ready to be pretty godamned angry at the Old Man.

“ The mechanic came back with, Oh, we're brothers all right…it saddens me to say.

Thick as thieves till about ten years ago. Then your husband here thought he had better ideas. Better ideas for him. Not so much for me.

That scar on his miserable face, and that bad knee…that's from the last time we tangled.”

The mechanic swung the shotgun back round towards the Old Man.

The expression on the Old Man's face fell from confident to deep concern.

 The mechanic said “ I had hoped, really hoped that you learned something last time, but I see you didn't. That's a damn shame.

Mama, was just beside herself…” You old bastard, you been lying to me all this time? We had out of town family, and you never said nothing about it?”

“I oughta take that shotgun and do you myself.”

“ Shut up woman. Can't you see I'm in the middle of something here?”

The Old Man glared at the soaking wet mechanic standing just inside the doorway.

“ Like I said, when my new partner comes back, you'll be wishing you were never born, old brother of mine” The old Man smiled a tobacco stained, confident smile.

The mechanic retorted with, “ Your new friend, your salvation…is he a big ugly biker dude that drives a nice new car?...one of them noisy rattling contraptions?

“ Yessir, that's him. A guy not to be fucked with by any means… So like I said, be on your way, and I'll forget about this little transgression.”

“ You know what, I don't think you're guy is coming back…like ever. He's…uh…well, he's gone. For good. Ain't coming back.”

“You old fool, he's in town with his old lady, his idiot nephew, and Mama's good for fuck all kid.

Like I said, you best be going if you know what's good for you “

The mechanic had to take a moment to puzzle over the numbers.

That big biker asshole was by himself…that much he knew for sure.

 Then… where was these other people?

...this wasn't fitting together right.

The mechanic went with what he knew for sure.

“ I met your new friend earlier this morning, we talked, he told me everything. I convinced him in my own way…to leave and not come back….so , brother…I think you are on your own here” the mechanic lied a good convincing lie .

Mama piped up, “ that ain't true, no way that's not right. We was fixing to partner up. This ain't right, I'm telling you.”

As Mama's voice got louder and more emotional, the mechanic took his eyes off his fat and pathetic brother.

The Old Man took his chance. He stuck a fat hand down into the seat cushion and came up with a short barrel .38 caliber pistol.

He took a shaky aim at his brother and squeezed the trigger.

All three people in the room heard the click.

The Old Man pulled again.

Click.

All six chambers were empty. Porch Man had emptied the gun out weeks ago, after the Old Man chased him drunkenly around the house waving the loaded gun at him.

All three people in the room froze momentarily.

The Old Man was so stupid, so fucking stupid, that he turned the gun around to look down the barrel when he pulled the trigger one more time.

Both Mama and the mechanic wished with all their might that they would hear a nice loud bang.

But nope, it was completely empty.

“ You fucker, you were gonna shoot me, weren't you. Son of a bitch.”

The mechanic raised the shotgun up to point right dead center of his asshole brother.

Then, oddly, he lowered the gun and stepped forward.

The Old Man looked up with an especially vacant look.

The mechanic came forward and as he did, reached into his back pocket.

He pulled out his trusted ballpeen hammer and swung hard against his brothers good knee.

The Old Man yelped like a Louisiana hound dog.

Mama took a step back and grabbed her face with both hands.

“ Lordy, Lordy, Lordy”…she cried. “ “ This ain't happening…this ain't right “

The mechanic stepped back as his brother cursed and whimpered.

The mechanic addressed them both.

“ Both of you…. right now, go pack a bag, go pack your shit up. Get in your car , and leave.”

“You leave now.”

“You don't ever…ever come back…you hear me?”

“You take the back road outa here, then drive twice as far as you think you should.

If you are stupid enough to ever show your face again, I'll be making a mess if you.

 You are family, I'd rather not do that, but I will if I have to.

Mama tried to protest, but the Old Man, still writhing in pain, told her to shut up and start packing. 

He knew his brother well enough, once his mind was made up, there was no going back.

The mechanic looked at the clock on the wall, and was upset that he was going to be late getting his next vehicle fixed and out the shop door today.

The mechanic wanted to make sure he was fully understood.

“ You pack, you leave …don't ever, ever come back"

He turned and stepped through the door and onto the porch.

He stopped. 

Turned around, went back inside, and raised the shotgun up.

“ One more thing “ he said calmly.

Mama peed her pants right then and there.

The Old Man took a moment to stop whimpering and held his breath.

“ Feed your godamned dog”

And with that, the mechanic turned and walked away.