Instructions for Safe Urination in Extreme Cold

 

 Guidelines for Safe Urination in Extreme Cold During Work Hours ( Male/Outdoors )

1. Ensure that you have some feeling in your hands and fingers. This will ensure safe manipulation of the zipper and penile member.

2. Check the immediate area to assess the proper and safe location to commence release

3. When it is safe to do so, manually or visually check that penile member is actually protruding from all layers of clothing before commencing to urinate ( pee )

4. Failure to achieve maximum protrusion of the penile member beyond all layers of clothing will result in frozen crust on outerwear and possible staining. Unpleasant odour can occur upon thawing. This can cause social isolation in warmer environments ( bars, saloons, pubs etc )

5. Warning! Do not ask a co-worker for visual confirmation that your penile member has achieved sufficient protrusion.

Common risks are..

a. Assault

b. Embarrassment

c. Pointing and laughing for no good reason

d. Criminal charges

e. a date

6. Before commencing to release the urine stream ( pee ) check these conditions

a. Wind at your back

b. Feet properly and firmly set and spaced to ensure stability, and to minimize sprayage onto boots.

c. Check the proposed urine stream landing area for hazards. Possible hazards could include, your lunch pail, open machine gears and high voltage electrical lines.

7. Maintain full control of penile member at all times. Ensure that penile member does not retract back into pants and undergarments during active urination ( peeing ) If you are wearing a long jacket or coat, check to see that active urination ( pee ) is not being placed on the aforementioned garment. If a loss of control of the penile member occurs, cease all urination operations ( peeing ) and adjust as required.

8. Do not rush, but work efficiently to minimize sensitive penile skin to the extreme cold. Risk of frostbite to the penile member is a very real and potentially life altering risk.

9. If your co-worker at this time also requires urination, please observe these basic rules

a. Stand at least arms length apart.

b. Wind is at your back to prevent urination stream ( pee ) from being blown onto co-worker

c. Refer to safety tip #5, regarding visual confirmation issues

d. "Crossing swords" with your co-workers urine stream ( pee ) while urinating ( peeing ) on company time will not be tolerated. This is an unsafe and dangerous practice.

10. Upon completion of urination ( peeing ) Carefully place penile member back under all layers of clothing. This can be a challenge if the extreme cold has caused you to lose the feeling in your fingers. Take extra care to re-insert the penile member fully and completely under all layers. Double check that penile member is fully retracted before raising zipper of pants. If penile member becomes entangled in the pants zipper, carefully reverse the direction of the zipper to remove the skin of the penile member from the aforementioned zipper. If extreme discomfort ( pain ) and/or spurting blood is noted at this time, please try to resolve the problem yourself before asking co-workers for help.

Note: there is not a co-worker on the earth that will help to get the penile member unstuck at this point. Getting to professional medical help is your only option at this point. Try not to bleed on the company vehicle interior. Try not to cry out or whimper with too much enthusiasm as it affects the moral of other workers.

Thank you for taking the time to be a better employee and person.

Requests for the next newsletter subject "How to disable the company vehicle GPS locator system on Friday and Saturday nights" has been forwarded to management for approval