Progress Report from the Office of the Emperor

By Mike Pearson
Great success on all fronts. Success like nobody has ever seen before. Truly amazing ratings across the board.

The failed state that was Canada, that underperforming, underutilized lump of land that Emperor Trump has recently acquired, is quickly becoming a crown jewel asset to the Greater American Empire.
Emperor Trump has purchased the full service and sworn allegiance of the Canadian federal police previously known as the RCMP, and all the government security services for an all cash deal.
Chancellor Vance told the Trump Truth Media Corporation that the purchase cost the Lower America fiefdom absolutely zero Petro dollars because of the financial genius of Emperor Trump.

His Eminence used repurposed cash from the recently liberated Ontario Teachers Pension Plan to purchase the RCMP and security services. 
Emperor Trump delivered 25 billion dollars in newly printed Trumpistan cash to the  Cold Lake Alberta military base. ( Trump Asset Management Agency took a 32 billion dollar fee from the transfer to reduce costs to his loyal and loving population of admirers.)

Five C-130 cargo planes brought the pallets of cash to the base directly from the printer.

The cash was distributed to all newly deputized Trumpistan security managers and agents of the Trumpistan Safety Authority.
2500 Second hand armoured vehicles and 500 1st generation Predator drones were also delivered to the newly loyal and enthusiastic security forces. Several tons of assault rifles and hand grenades will be delivered by DHL Courier on Tuesday morning before 9am.
Job number one of the new Chief of Upper Trumpistan Security was to completely ban the sport of hockey, and the ownership of hockey sticks. Hockey sticks have been deemed as Prohibited Weapons.
All hockey team members from the pros to PeeWee have been relocated to various reeducation camps and Upper Trumpistan Improvement Projects.
Players that signed up to play in the Empire Football League in exchange 
for room and board were exempted.
Emperor Trump noticed that the west coast of what used to be British Columbia ( stupid name!! Whoever came up with that one was not very smart. Not smart at all )
Anyways..the coast is very jagged and uneven...ugly to look at on the map.
Emperor Trump has authorized a new project to straighten out the coastline so that it will be a Big Beautiful Straight Line from north to south.
Emperor Trump will be using Ontario Teachers as volunteer labourers on the project. Emperor Trump says it will keep the Ontario Teachers from whining and crying about the repurposed Retirement Fund cash that was going to waste with their stupid plan.

In other news, the protests from the gasbags in that rebel terrorist holdout in London England have caused a stir at the Emperor's palace grounds ( previously known as Florida)

A full blown argument erupted when Emperor Trump asked for 10 ballistic nuclear missiles to remove the nuisance British Isles.
The Emperor's manager of Peace and Real Estate Acquisition replied that 5 would be plenty and leave room for golf course expansion.
Emperor Trump said he wanted to make sure that the islands could not sprout another moron like Winston Churchill.
At any rate, the missiles of whatever number will be launched on Thursday afternoon, which is usually a slow news day. The TV ratings bump will surely put the Trump Truth Media Corporation in the running for a special prize this year!

Stay tuned for more news about the biggest and most Beautiful Real Estate Deal The World Has Ever Seen!

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